dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey
Ever since facebook came around, break-ups have become even more of a nightmare. We split almost a year ago now, and I can go most days without thinking about her, I’d be completely healthy and recovered except it’s still like a punch in the nuts when I go on facebook and the status bar reads ‘**** has the best boyfriend EVER’. Obviously I can’t bring this up with her because it’s been a year and I’ll seem insane, and I can’t just block her because she’s too important to me and I don’t want to lose touch. What’s a boy to do?
Yours,
jabboy

Man the fuck up.
You’re at a crossroads in your life. You can either continue being a stalker-nerdy-needy-arse or you can bury yourself in World Of Warcraft, pizza and My Chemical Romance. You fucking freak. No wonder she dumped you.
I hope this helps.

I found a wallet the other day. Being a greedy so and so I took the cash but posted the wallet back through the owner’s door. Well, unfortunately for me, that person was actually a powerful wizard, and he was mighty angry about me spending his money. He was going to turn me into a gigantic beetle, but because I’d at least had the decency to give him his credit cards back, he instead turned me into a ginger woman. Now, I can sort out the ginger bit, the dyes will be a bit of a strain on my expenses but whatever, but how do I go about sorting out the (maybe worse) woman bit? You’re popular, so maybe you know another wizard that can turn me back? Because I tell you what, this is fucking unbearable, I can’t go out and play rugby, score with chicks or parallel park like this. Well I can, but it wouldn’t be as good. Sort it out baldmonkey.
A NONNY MOUSE

There are no such things as wizards. You know this. You probably just wish there were because you’ve played too much World Of Warcraft instead of having friends. All the “wacky” aside, I think it’s important that we look at your misplaced male chauvinism here. You make three spurious comments about women:

1. Women cannot play rugby: As well as being bollocks, this is irrelevant. You can’t play rugby anyway; you are a fat, pasty internerd. You’d probably have a heart attack if you could tear yourself away from the microwave ready meals long enough to go for a short jog.
2. Women can’t score with chicks: I know a few lesbians who make me wish I could grow a fanny.
3. Women cannot parallel park: I am often astounded by the tiny spaces a woman I know manages to park her car in. The shittest drivers I’ve noticed are 17 year old boys who believe 17 year old girls will want to fuck them if they drive VERY BADLY INDEED.

The only advice I can offer you is to try to stop resenting women just because they all turn you down. And have a shower.

Frankly I only answered your email in the hope that standing up for women might convince a few of them to let me touch their tits.

DEAR BALDMONKEY

I AM A NICE MAN BUT WOMEN DON’T WANT TO WRAP THEMSELVES AROUND MY COCK

WHAT CAN I DO

LOVE AND KISSES

ANONYMOUS

Your problem is immediately apparent; your coarse language. Women love poetic types. I recommend in future you substitute the following bardic contrivances for your dirty words:

• Cock - Hopeless missile
• Cunt - Hole of misadventure
• Jism - Eye jam
• Fuck - Athletically disappoint
• Blow job - The Sudden Realisation Of A Retard With A Bitter Lolly

Armed as you are, your best bet to meet women to seduce is to head straight for a night club and sit at the bar weeping with your flaccid penis in hand.

Good luck