dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey,
I feel like the anti-Mida at the moment. Everything I touch, do, or person I talk to ends up being in a much worse situation than it was before (the relationship turns sour in the case of talking to people.) All my friends are distancing themselves from me, most of my (at least important) possessions are falling apart, my car is falling apart, I want to move out but can’t afford to, etc. My Job is insecure, and I think I’m on the chopping board. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m barely sleeping, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and my tolerance for even the smallest things is almost non existent. Today I nearly caused a fight on the train just because someone bumped into me.
What do you recommend I do?
sent anonymously

Depression can often be brought about by stress and lead to these feelings of not being able to cope that you describe. Other effects are disrupted sleep, high anxiety and an increasing sense of paranoia. It’s common and, if you talk to your doctor, easily treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and the right medication. You’ll find too, that if you describe how you are feeling to the people closest to you, at least one of them will have had a similar experience. You are not as alone as you feel. However, you should keep in mind that the doctors want to control your thoughts with pills and your friends are all lying to you. You are almost certainly part of an evil experiment. The chances are, I’m in on it too. If you ask me, they are putting narcotics in the air supply. If you look carefully you can see them being released from church towers. Take only short rapid breaths to minimise their effect. Then go to church with a samurai sword claiming God sent you and remove the evil priestly ring-leader.
Oh, I should also point out that they are using money to control you. Get rid of it quick by using the donate button on the right there.

Dear baldmonkey,
I’ve got some sort of insect bite on my stomach
What home remedies do you suggest, or do you have any favourite remedies that involve no actual medicine?
Harry

The thing that hurts with insect bites is the teeth that get left in your flesh. You can’t see them because insect teeth are very very very small, but trust me, they are there. They burrow into your skin and keep going. If they hit bone they fuse with it and start to grow and you end up looking like the elephant man. Fortunately, most of the time, they pass straight through causing little hemorrhages in your internal organs.
To get rid of the sting, you have to get rid of the teeth. Rub yourself in sugar; this will rot the teeth away and the stinging will stop. In some cases the teeth are too set in and the sugar doesn’t work, the best thing to do in this case is hang around some wasps. They like teeth covered in sugar and will come and remove them for you before doing a little thank you flying dance.

Dear baldmonkey,
My penis is too small, how can I make it bigger?
I have tried stretching it but to no avail, as a fan of yours, I’m
sure your penis is huge.
Can you help?
Yours,
Jim from Sheffield.

I understand your pain. When I cum my penis looks like a maggot being sick. I CAN help.
The length of your penis is unimportant; it is the girth which matters. If your winky is too short to wrap in sticky plasters until it looks good, try getting it stang off a wasp. The look you are going for is like a large outy belly button. With a piss hole in the middle.
This should be enough to satisfy any “woman”.

Dear baldmonkey,
I’ve just spent the last twenty minutes sitting on the toilet, looking at an Argos catalogue. As I was wistfully dreaming about purchasing a revolving spice rack filled with Schwartz herbs and spices (H29cm, W21.5cm, D17cm), it suddenly occurred to me that I was experiencing the most enjoyable twenty minutes of my year so far!
I’m now unsure as to what path I should take in life, I have two choices.
The first choice is to kill myself in a suitably mediocre way, anything too fancy would seem inappropriate considering my amazingly uneventful life.
My second choice is to buy the revolving wooden spice rack.
What would you recommend, is there a third path?
Regards
Big Jim Pickaxe