dear baldmonkey

You don’t have a girlfriend; you are a prick. Unless you mean your hand is your girlfriend and you want to wank with two hands in which case what you really want to know is how you can enlarge your penis so you can get both hands on it at once. Well I’ve covered that before, you prick. Or you could try wanking with just the forefinger and thumb of each hand.

Dear baldmonkey
I am a soldier sent from the future to give the world a message; a warning about a terrible biological holocaust that will see nearly 70% of the human population wiped out, and civilisation brought to its knees. I have the knowledge, the tools and the proof to prevent the horrific catastrophe from happening, but I am so obsessed with touching my own nipples, I haven’t had the time to deliver my message. I just sit in the house all day, admiring, touching, playing with them. What am I to do?
Col. Jack Fantastic

Cut your nipples off. Then eat them. Then your legs. Then your parents before they produce you. You fucking useless bastard. I bet you write for White Dwarf magazine and think it makes you good. I hate you.

Dear baldmonkey,
People tell me I’m weird because I have a preference for extremely tall and thin men. I like them lanky! I’m bursting for a beanpole! I’m moist for a mantis! People say I’m mad, but I think I’m an under-represented and persecuted minority. Am I normal? Will this affect my benefits? Is benefit fraud really as reprehensible as tax evasion, or do we only judge it as such because we’re biased against the lower classes?
Sincerely,
A. in Archway

No, you are not normal. You probably want a thin boyfriend so you can pretend you aren’t fat it is just that the contrast with him is so strong.
No, it won’t effect your benefits, you will remain too fat to leave your house and get work.
Yes, benefit fraud really is as reprehensible as tax evasion. Worse in fact. Why the fuck should I work for a living to pay for you to sit around eating pies and watching Jeremy Kyle so you can pretend the guests are worse people than you?
I wouldn’t worry about your sexual preference though as you will never have a boyfriend, you hideous fat mess.

dear baldmonkey
i work in the co-op in Portsmouth and have ginger hair.
i seem to fancy every fucking piece of skirt I know, apart from one mong at work.
who is the best person to masturbate over?
mr x, portsmouth

You work in the Co-op. You are unable to use the shift key to capitalise letters correctly. I’ve seen the sort of sour-faced, inbred troglodytes with barely functioning brains that work in Co-ops. I’ve seen them get confused by conversation above the level of a Roger Red Hat book. Thank god all you want to do is masturbate all over someone. Just never have sex; the risk of reproduction is too great.
The best person to masturbate over is a young Felicity Kendall with chocolate sauce on her vagina.

Dear baldmonkey
It’s come to my attention that I am an evil whore of the highest order, because I keep taking the money of stupid lonely men. What should I do baldmonkey, what, what WHAT?!?!?
Love from
Mercenary in Norwich

Money is power and no one wants power in the hands of stupid people. You are doing nothing wrong. Unless you are stupid too, in which case you should use the donate button to the right to send the money to me. I assure you I am more intelligent than you. Unfortunately, if you are stupid you will be too stupid to know you are stupid. But I can help. If two or more of the following statements sound like you, you are stupid:

1. I think vegetarianism should be a legal requirement.
2. I think dolphins are mystical animals.
3. I can think of no other explanation for life on Earth than some sort of benevolent deity.
4. I ask people what their favourite cheese is to appear interesting.
5. I ask people how they pronounce “scone” and then act like it matters.
6. I like cress.
7. I have a lucky toy with a name.
8. I like to stick to the middle lane rather than make difficult motorway decisions.
9. When declining a carrier bag at a checkout I always take care to add “Save the environment and all that”.
10. I like Big Brother.
11. I like Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps.
12. I like The Sun.
13. I have a teardrop tattoo.
14. I believe good parenting starts with good shouting.
15. I am a student.
16. I would describe myself or my close friends as “mad”.
17. I wouldn’t class the Daily Mail as a tabloid.

Dear baldmonkey,
My penis is too small, how can I make it bigger?
I have tried stretching it but to no avail, as a fan of yours, I’m
sure your penis is huge.
Can you help?
Yours,
Jim from Sheffield.

I understand your pain. When I cum my penis looks like a maggot being sick. I CAN help.
The length of your penis is unimportant; it is the girth which matters. If your winky is too short to wrap in sticky plasters until it looks good, try getting it stang off a wasp. The look you are going for is like a large outy belly button. With a piss hole in the middle.
This should be enough to satisfy any “woman”.

Dear baldmonkey
I am a child rapist. Should I be ashamed?
Yours,
SuperMatt

These days it can be difficult to know where you stand morally. Except on the issue of child rape. Child rape is always wrong. You should stop raping children. If you find you can’t stop raping children, you should probably kill yourself. The best way to kill yourself if you are a child rapist, SuperMatt, is to travel back in time five minutes, then wait five minutes and travel back in time with yourself five minutes. Repeat this until you have enough yous to form a lynch mob and hang yourself while waving pitchforks and the like.

Dear baldmonkey,
Theres a boy I know, hes the one I dream of. Looks into my eyes, takes me to the clouds above. Ooh I lose control, cant seem to get enough. When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love?
How will I know ? (dont trust your feelings) How will I know? How will I know (love can be deceiving) How will I know? How will I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heart beat I fall in love whenever we meet Im asking you what you know about these things How will I know if hes thinking of me? I try to phone but Im too shy (can’t speak) Falling in love is all bitter sweet This love is strong why do I feel weak?
KTHXBYE
mongychops

Here is how to tell if a man loves you. He will be doing one of the following:

1. Unbuttoning his fly.
2. Trying to use his wee to write your name on the street outside your house.
3. Leaving half dead small animals on your doorstep.
4. Washing his genitals.
5. Invading Poland.

Dear baldmonkey,
I have a problem. Every time I change jobs, I end up fancying someone in the office. I had thought that I wouldn’t be able to fancy anyone in my new office because they’re all web nerds, but it turns out this is not the case. How can I cure this terrible affliction?
Regards,
Heckzecutive

You work in IT and are worried about fancying shit people? Why? Are you worried that you will have offspring? I am worried you will have offspring. Fortunately, people who work in IT do not have offspring. People who work in IT do not have sex. It’s natures way of weeding out the poor genes.

I found a wallet the other day. Being a greedy so and so I took the cash but posted the wallet back through the owner’s door. Well, unfortunately for me, that person was actually a powerful wizard, and he was mighty angry about me spending his money. He was going to turn me into a gigantic beetle, but because I’d at least had the decency to give him his credit cards back, he instead turned me into a ginger woman. Now, I can sort out the ginger bit, the dyes will be a bit of a strain on my expenses but whatever, but how do I go about sorting out the (maybe worse) woman bit? You’re popular, so maybe you know another wizard that can turn me back? Because I tell you what, this is fucking unbearable, I can’t go out and play rugby, score with chicks or parallel park like this. Well I can, but it wouldn’t be as good. Sort it out baldmonkey.
A NONNY MOUSE

There are no such things as wizards. You know this. You probably just wish there were because you’ve played too much World Of Warcraft instead of having friends. All the “wacky” aside, I think it’s important that we look at your misplaced male chauvinism here. You make three spurious comments about women:

1. Women cannot play rugby: As well as being bollocks, this is irrelevant. You can’t play rugby anyway; you are a fat, pasty internerd. You’d probably have a heart attack if you could tear yourself away from the microwave ready meals long enough to go for a short jog.
2. Women can’t score with chicks: I know a few lesbians who make me wish I could grow a fanny.
3. Women cannot parallel park: I am often astounded by the tiny spaces a woman I know manages to park her car in. The shittest drivers I’ve noticed are 17 year old boys who believe 17 year old girls will want to fuck them if they drive VERY BADLY INDEED.

The only advice I can offer you is to try to stop resenting women just because they all turn you down. And have a shower.

Frankly I only answered your email in the hope that standing up for women might convince a few of them to let me touch their tits.