dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey,
As a famous television nature reporter I am seen by the public as a kind and caring animal lover. The truth is, I hate the little furry cunts. Often when I go home I spend the evening stamping on weasels and emptying kettles of boiling water into nests of baby blue tits for a laugh.
I once squashed a guinea pig with a shovel because someone dared me to. It was a right laugh. I fucking hate animals a LOT.
Regards,
Bill Oddie

Bill,
I fail to see the problem. Unless you are running out of original ways to kill animals. Try tethering a pigeon to the ground then clapping a lot. With any luck it will be so scared it will fly away really fast and rip itself in half.
Sometimes monkeys rape frogs in the mouth, but that isn’t really relevant.

Dear baldmonkey
My cat’s been run over. She smashed her face and hurt her back leg. She’s being kept in and drugged up to the eyeballs, and tomorrow they will see if her jaw needs wiring up. She was in the laundry basket this morning, but I didn’t find her till after lunch.

Your problem, I gather, is that you have a cat. Drowning a cat in a sack with a brick is dull. I recommend one of the following options:

1. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Insert a bicycle pump up it’s poopy-hole. Begin inflating. It’s like a giblet piñata in the end.
2. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Force feed it one kilogram of baking soda. Then pour in a bottle of malt vinegar. Hold the creature’s jaw firmly shut. It’s like a foamy giblet piñata in the end.
3. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Jam car headlamp bulb in its eye-sockets then ram it’s tail into an electrical socket for a novelty smouldering cat lamp effect.

Dear baldmonkey,
Is it possible to put to much sellotape on your cat? I may have killed it, I’m not sure. What should I do? Please help.
Yours
A cat lover.

While there is no right or wrong amount of sellotape to put on a cat, there are better and worse ways to go about it. I have personally found the following method to be the most agreeable. While it is more time consuming, the results it yields are more than worth the effort.

1. Prepare the cat by fixing a short length of hosepipe (one foot should suffice) into his mouth. This can be done easily with glue but I prefer to stay in theme and use tape.

2. With the hose in place, begin to wrap the cat in tape, taking care to not to get tape over the open end of the hose. Aim for a ball shape and you should end up with something like this:

With this makeshift air vent, the cat should survive for several days, providing you with the means to a rippingly good weekend of footcatball tournaments.

As for whether or not your current cat is dead, as long as you leave the tape on, it probably isn’t important.