dear baldmonkey

dear baldmonkey
I’m hungry and it’s got to be take-away night.
I want a huge kebab, but nowhere here does decent ones
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Druid

Well, you could try making your own. I just shot a starling with my air rifle, but I have to say this has done nothing for my esteem.

Dear baldmonkey
I am a soldier sent from the future to give the world a message; a warning about a terrible biological holocaust that will see nearly 70% of the human population wiped out, and civilisation brought to its knees. I have the knowledge, the tools and the proof to prevent the horrific catastrophe from happening, but I am so obsessed with touching my own nipples, I haven’t had the time to deliver my message. I just sit in the house all day, admiring, touching, playing with them. What am I to do?
Col. Jack Fantastic

Cut your nipples off. Then eat them. Then your legs. Then your parents before they produce you. You fucking useless bastard. I bet you write for White Dwarf magazine and think it makes you good. I hate you.

Dear baldmonkey,
Today I found a desert eagle with one bullet in it. I know what to do of course, but my question is this, just who shall I use it on?
Cheers

Assuming you are trying to decide who to kill, this will all depend on your own personal views. If you are too lazy to think it through properly, I have made you a short list to help you decide.

1. If you feel angry at the global dictatorship of western “free” market democracies, you should target the symbol of capitalist leisure wastefulness. Go to your local aquarium and shoot a dolphin.
2. If you feel angry about the destruction of the environment, you should create a visually striking representation of man’s effects on Mother Nature by shooting a dolphin.
3. If you vehemently appose organised religion, you should symbolically assassinate the pope by shooting a dolphin and pointing out its stupid smug nose looks a bit like the pope hat.
4. If you want to strike out at a mediocre society which you feel represses you, shoot a dolphin to show how angry you are that they like fish more than you.
5. If you just want to watch something die for fun, I highly recommend shooting a dolphin right in the fucking blow-hole.

Dear baldmonkey.

I have a problem which I am unable to cope with and I need your help sir. I am 32 years old and I am a woman trapped in a man’s body. Not only that but I have no norks to speak of and I suffer with duowangflop syndrome, the aweful condition of being born with two cocks. It really is a terrible thing for a sexwrong like myself, and peeing in public toilets is particularly painful and embarrasing. In 1977 during Her Majesty the Queen’s silver jubilee celebrations, I had a cycling accident and impaled one of my cocks on the little thumb toggle on the bell. The pain was hard to cope with but what was worse was the nurses bringing in their friends and coworkers to my bed to see the double cocked freak. God! why me?
In 1981 I met a girl who had advertised for a partner on www.weirdgenitals.co.uk . She claimed she had been born with two clunges and it seemed like a good idea at the time to contact her. Although I think I’m a gaymosexual, the though of being able to dunk both willies at the same time appealed and so I called her. We married a few weeks later, which in hindsight was probably a mistake. It was possible for me to dip both wicks, although I knew it was wrong but that was not the worst thing. I was not convinced she was twin fannied at all and I ended up questioning her about it almost every day, driving a wedgie between us. We ended up on the Jeremy Kyle Show and they did a test on her bits. The results were a shock as it turned out she had just the one minge which was rather larger and cavernous than usual due to her previous partner having an enormous penis, and that she had given birth to twins, each weighing three stone. I was so upset I attempted suicide by jumping off the sofa. It failed and I was sent away to the local head hospital to get better.
Last year both my parents were killed dead in a horrific sub-aqua basket weaving accident and I was left with a huge bill for the funeral expenses which I am unable to pay. The council have now given me just seven days to cough up or up they come and off to the Pedigree Chum factory. My sister had been given just three months, six days and a bit approximately to live as she has contracted a rare form of rabies following a short career as an actress in the dog porn industry.
My problem is that I just voted for Boris Johnson, not realising he is a Tory. How can I live with this Baldmonkey? How!?
Please help me as I am getting nobbed off with it all.
Captn Horatio J Horsefart II (retired)

I’ve spent the last few years laughing at the yanks for repeatedly electing a man who can’t spell his own name. Now it has been ruined for me. It’s a dent in the pride of everyone in Britain that Boris got elected. You should shoot yourself in the face.