dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey,
I feel like the anti-Mida at the moment. Everything I touch, do, or person I talk to ends up being in a much worse situation than it was before (the relationship turns sour in the case of talking to people.) All my friends are distancing themselves from me, most of my (at least important) possessions are falling apart, my car is falling apart, I want to move out but can’t afford to, etc. My Job is insecure, and I think I’m on the chopping board. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m barely sleeping, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and my tolerance for even the smallest things is almost non existent. Today I nearly caused a fight on the train just because someone bumped into me.
What do you recommend I do?
sent anonymously

Depression can often be brought about by stress and lead to these feelings of not being able to cope that you describe. Other effects are disrupted sleep, high anxiety and an increasing sense of paranoia. It’s common and, if you talk to your doctor, easily treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and the right medication. You’ll find too, that if you describe how you are feeling to the people closest to you, at least one of them will have had a similar experience. You are not as alone as you feel. However, you should keep in mind that the doctors want to control your thoughts with pills and your friends are all lying to you. You are almost certainly part of an evil experiment. The chances are, I’m in on it too. If you ask me, they are putting narcotics in the air supply. If you look carefully you can see them being released from church towers. Take only short rapid breaths to minimise their effect. Then go to church with a samurai sword claiming God sent you and remove the evil priestly ring-leader.
Oh, I should also point out that they are using money to control you. Get rid of it quick by using the donate button on the right there.

Dear baldmonkey,
I would like to be well famous as a musician and stuff. Unfortunately I am ginger. How am I to go about international superstardom if I am considered the reincarnation of Mick Hucknall?

What many people in the entertainment world forget is that ugly people have feelings too; they just don’t matter. Many ginger people try to hide their ginger hair by dying it. Don’t bother. It won’t work. You’ll still be all pasty looking and have those horrible weasely rat-people ginger facial features. Your best bet is to become a black and white minstrel.

Dear baldmonkey,
Over the past 10 years , I have had to endure many puzzled looks as I go about the every day routine of shopping whilst dressed as Lawrence of Arabia.
Do you think this could have something to do with me walking slowly around the dessert aisle ?
Please help.

I’ve given this some thought, and the only reason I can think of for you going about supermarkets in a dress is that you are too fat for proper clothes. This immediately explains the puzzled looks; clearly everyone thinks you are the ghost of Demis Roussos. The good news is Demis isn’t actually dead yet. I just checked. His website is something else.

If you’d like to lose weight, the best thing you can do is stop hanging around dessert aisles. Once you have that pegged, give not being such a fat fuck a go.