dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey,
I feel like the anti-Mida at the moment. Everything I touch, do, or person I talk to ends up being in a much worse situation than it was before (the relationship turns sour in the case of talking to people.) All my friends are distancing themselves from me, most of my (at least important) possessions are falling apart, my car is falling apart, I want to move out but can’t afford to, etc. My Job is insecure, and I think I’m on the chopping board. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m barely sleeping, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and my tolerance for even the smallest things is almost non existent. Today I nearly caused a fight on the train just because someone bumped into me.
What do you recommend I do?
sent anonymously

Depression can often be brought about by stress and lead to these feelings of not being able to cope that you describe. Other effects are disrupted sleep, high anxiety and an increasing sense of paranoia. It’s common and, if you talk to your doctor, easily treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and the right medication. You’ll find too, that if you describe how you are feeling to the people closest to you, at least one of them will have had a similar experience. You are not as alone as you feel. However, you should keep in mind that the doctors want to control your thoughts with pills and your friends are all lying to you. You are almost certainly part of an evil experiment. The chances are, I’m in on it too. If you ask me, they are putting narcotics in the air supply. If you look carefully you can see them being released from church towers. Take only short rapid breaths to minimise their effect. Then go to church with a samurai sword claiming God sent you and remove the evil priestly ring-leader.
Oh, I should also point out that they are using money to control you. Get rid of it quick by using the donate button on the right there.

I found a wallet the other day. Being a greedy so and so I took the cash but posted the wallet back through the owner’s door. Well, unfortunately for me, that person was actually a powerful wizard, and he was mighty angry about me spending his money. He was going to turn me into a gigantic beetle, but because I’d at least had the decency to give him his credit cards back, he instead turned me into a ginger woman. Now, I can sort out the ginger bit, the dyes will be a bit of a strain on my expenses but whatever, but how do I go about sorting out the (maybe worse) woman bit? You’re popular, so maybe you know another wizard that can turn me back? Because I tell you what, this is fucking unbearable, I can’t go out and play rugby, score with chicks or parallel park like this. Well I can, but it wouldn’t be as good. Sort it out baldmonkey.
A NONNY MOUSE

There are no such things as wizards. You know this. You probably just wish there were because you’ve played too much World Of Warcraft instead of having friends. All the “wacky” aside, I think it’s important that we look at your misplaced male chauvinism here. You make three spurious comments about women:

1. Women cannot play rugby: As well as being bollocks, this is irrelevant. You can’t play rugby anyway; you are a fat, pasty internerd. You’d probably have a heart attack if you could tear yourself away from the microwave ready meals long enough to go for a short jog.
2. Women can’t score with chicks: I know a few lesbians who make me wish I could grow a fanny.
3. Women cannot parallel park: I am often astounded by the tiny spaces a woman I know manages to park her car in. The shittest drivers I’ve noticed are 17 year old boys who believe 17 year old girls will want to fuck them if they drive VERY BADLY INDEED.

The only advice I can offer you is to try to stop resenting women just because they all turn you down. And have a shower.

Frankly I only answered your email in the hope that standing up for women might convince a few of them to let me touch their tits.

Dear baldmonkey,
I used to work with a guy I really liked who used to stalk a colleague of ours from South Africa. until she left the country. My dilemma is, she’s a very good friend of mine but do I add some happiness to his life and tell him she’s back in the UK for a few weeks?
Please help

Your problem seems to center around not knowing which friend to betray; the man, I assume from your tone, you have a crush on, or the South African stalkee you wish you could be. You feel that letting either of them down would make you a bad friend. This is nonsense. All friendship is based on betrayal and greed. No one pretends to be friends with people unless they want something from them. Your real problem is how much you can get away with being a shit friend before these people stop giving you whatever it is you want from them. This largely depends on how ugly you are. Given that you can only make friends with stalkers and South Africans, I’m guessing you’re pretty fucking ugly.

At the end of the day, you are fucked whatever you do. I’d dose up the woman on rohypnol and leave her locked in a cage for the chap, hoping he’ll eventually tire of her and have a go on you too.

I THINK MY DROID IS GAY
IT FLOUNCES ABOUT LIKE A BIG GIRL’S BLOUSE, TALKS IN AN EFFEMINATE VOICE AND IS A COWARD, LIKE ALL GAYS
THANK FUCK I HAVE THAT OTHER DROID WHO HAS SAVED ME 3 TIMES OVER, THAT ONE IS ALL MAN, BUT THIS SHINY GOLDEN SHIT NEEDS SORTING OUT
HOW CAN I TURN A GAYBOT INTO A MANBOT?
YOURS IN THE FORCE, LUKE

Don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to. This is a reference to the well-known science fiction franchise; Star Wars, isn’t it. I could point out that your homophobic fears are misplaced because robots don’t have sexual desires. But that’d be missing the real problem here.

For you to write this email in the first place, you must have been seeking some attention. For you to be seeking attention on the internet suggests you have some problem with real life interaction. As the best fake problem you could come up with is based on science fiction, I am guessing your problem with social interaction is that you are a nerdy-no-friends.

The best I can do for you is to offer you my five step program for meeting people in real life:

1. People are drawn to honesty. Have nothing to hide. Be naked.
2. Go outside.
3. Choose someone to talk to. People on their own are best. Make sure you get very very close before you start talking to them.
4. Everybody wants to hear how sexually attractive they are. When introducing yourself to people tell them, on a scale of one to ten, how much you want to have sex with them and which position you would choose. If you feel it is necessary, offer constructive criticism.
5. Remember that many other people are also socially inept. They may appear to want to get away from you. This is not the case, they are merely shy. Pursue them with friendship until they are your best friend in the whole real wide world ever.