dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey
Ever since facebook came around, break-ups have become even more of a nightmare. We split almost a year ago now, and I can go most days without thinking about her, I’d be completely healthy and recovered except it’s still like a punch in the nuts when I go on facebook and the status bar reads ‘**** has the best boyfriend EVER’. Obviously I can’t bring this up with her because it’s been a year and I’ll seem insane, and I can’t just block her because she’s too important to me and I don’t want to lose touch. What’s a boy to do?
Yours,
jabboy

Man the fuck up.
You’re at a crossroads in your life. You can either continue being a stalker-nerdy-needy-arse or you can bury yourself in World Of Warcraft, pizza and My Chemical Romance. You fucking freak. No wonder she dumped you.
I hope this helps.

I see what you’ve done there. Very good. You’ve described a fear of coming out as homosexual to your family but you’ve swapped homosexuality for eating cheese. Well done.
Seriously, though, many people do have a fear of being themselves around their families in case they disapprove. And rightly so. Why should your parents accept you for what you are, when you lead such a revolting life? If the things you do are too shameful to be told to your parents, perhaps you shouldn’t do them. And if you can’t stop yourself, don’t carry on in secret; kill yourself, like a real man.

Dear baldmonkey,
I have recently noticed several growths on both of my hands. They are long, pink and fleshy and wiggle about in a disturbing manner.
Can you please suggest a recipe for cat pie ?

Due to their bitter taste cats do not make good pies. Try this recipe for cat haggis instead.

You will need:

1 whole cat
1 black pudding
1/2 cup muesli
5 to 8 cups stock
2 cups suet
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/2 tsp. salt

1. Slit the cat’s throat. If you want to make your own black pudding, collect the blood, otherwise allow it to spill.
2. Skin the cat. This is done in much the same way as any other small mammal. If you are uncertain search the internet for how to skin a rabbit. It is the same thing.
3. You will need to retrieve anything vaguely meat looking from the carcass, the giblets and the stomach. Give the stomach a quick rinse to get off the worst of the undigested food, bile and furballs.
4. Boil the meat, giblets and black pudding. When done, mince them together.
5. Lightly fry the muesli and suet.
6. Mix all ingredients together and then stuff them into the cat stomach.
7. Steam for one to two hours until done.

Serves four.

Dear baldmonkey,
Over the past 10 years , I have had to endure many puzzled looks as I go about the every day routine of shopping whilst dressed as Lawrence of Arabia.
Do you think this could have something to do with me walking slowly around the dessert aisle ?
Please help.

I’ve given this some thought, and the only reason I can think of for you going about supermarkets in a dress is that you are too fat for proper clothes. This immediately explains the puzzled looks; clearly everyone thinks you are the ghost of Demis Roussos. The good news is Demis isn’t actually dead yet. I just checked. His website is something else.

If you’d like to lose weight, the best thing you can do is stop hanging around dessert aisles. Once you have that pegged, give not being such a fat fuck a go.

Dear baldmonkey,

I’m an out going healthy person but last year I started to eat, in large quantities, Petit Filous. The yummy goodness is all that can keep me happy. If I go more than two hours without some Petit Filous, I feel forlorn and need to cut myself, this I do with a sharpened teaspoon I also use for eating the the pint sized Fromage Frais.

Can you help me please? It’s getting too expensive and I’ve started stealing from my friends and family. The amount I need is scary and I’m just doing it to feel normal now. I’ve been offered to work the streets for Frubes. This is a place I don’t want to go.

Help,

BindiBaji

Certainly I can help. Cutting yourself with a spoon is both costly and ineffective. A simpler, cheaper, better substitute would be the blade out of a pencil sharpener. You will find the blade is normally attached in one of two ways; screw or rivet. The screw blade is easy enough to remove with the right sized screw driver. Blades which are riveted in place tend to be trickier. Fortunately, they only tend to use the rivets on cheap plastic sharpeners, so a quick stamp should release the cutty goodness.