dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey
Cunts in the supermarket have no spatial awareness. Am I allowed to knock the cunts over with my trolley if they suddenly stop in front of me?
Yours,
Amorous Badger

The problem with supermarkets is the free-for-all nature. An aisle-way code is well overdue. Until the day it is invented, calm yourself down with the following activities:

1. Pen In The Old Person.
The aim of this game is to use your trolley to pen in an old person until they become visibly distressed. The easiest way to do this is by using other customers. Try to force the old person behind another trolley which is close to the shelves, then close their sideways exit route with your trolley and their rear exit route with yourself. Given a long enough penning many different reactions can be extracted from different old people, from rage right through to sobbing.

2. Scare The Child.
The aim of this game is to make a child sat in a trolley cry. There are no set rules on how this may be accomplished, so use your imagination. To get you started, try:

• Slapping the child as you walk past them.
• Sucking up the blood from the bottom of a packet of meat and spurting it out at the child.
• Telling them their parents have just died if they disappear from view for long enough.

I’d be overjoyed to hear any other suggestions readers might have.

3. Meander.
The aim of this game is to take as long as possible to get to the end an aisle without letting any other customers past you. Scoring is based on the number of people backed up behind you, the level of angry noises they create and the length of time it takes you to get from one end to the other. Creativity points may be awarded if you manage an original method of meandering, but most players use the same tactics; holding the trolley sideways at arms length and stopping to chat with a fat person.

4. Extreme Checkout Annoying.
The aim of this game is to not put the “Next customer, please.” bars down yourself. This is a battle of will-power with the customers before you and after you. If you manage to get both the customer before AND after you to put the bars down for you, you win. If you manage to get just one of them to do it, it is a draw. If you put both of them down, you lose and are a failure and are obliged to leave the supermarket without purchasing the shopping you have just unloaded.

Let the advising recommence!

dear baldmonkey
I’m hungry and it’s got to be take-away night.
I want a huge kebab, but nowhere here does decent ones
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Druid

Well, you could try making your own. I just shot a starling with my air rifle, but I have to say this has done nothing for my esteem.

Dear baldmonkey,
I have been trying to create an army of Stalins in my spare time, but have been met with nothing but failure and a cardboard box of dead cats with poorly made moustaches glued to their faces. Can you suggest where I am going wrong? Or, if not, suggest another dictator to emulate in my garden shed?

At last, a decent question. Try snapping the front right legs of a bunch of horses and binding them so they heal in a Hitler-salute. You should be able to marker pen in the moustaches easily enough. If not, you’ll find a square of electrical tape works.

To really help you with this, I’d need to know the cause of your aching shoulder, but your email isn’t very specific so I’m going to have to read between the lines.
You are saying, I assume, that you had been out for a cycle ride when the weather turned cold all of a sudden. Looking around for shelter, you spotted a public swimming pool. Swimming pools are always fairly warm so you popped inside for a while. You sat in the spectator’s gallery. It was mother and toddler lessons that morning and you watched these scenes of happy family life with glee. At first. Then you started noticing all those mothers with their big wobbling bosoms jiggling about in their swimming costumes, soon you were daydreaming of the swimming lessons your mother gave you as a child. She’d hold you securely at arms length. You felt so safe back then and all you could see was your mother’s heaving tits. Back in the real world you became aware that you had an erection and started rubbing it through your cycling shorts. But then, one of the mothers noticed you and assumed you were a paedophile harming himself to the sight of kiddies in swimming costumes. You dived out of sight to the floor, landing awkwardly on your shoulder. You managed to crawl out of the building without being seen again. Your shoulder was a bit painful and you knew you should rub deep heat on it as soon as possible but your bike was gone. You had forgotten to lock it up in your hurry to get warm. By the time you had walked to a chemists, your ache was too set in to your shoulder to do anything about.
The solution is simple then, get a car and stop cycling, you fucking hippy.

Dear baldmonkey
It’s come to my attention that I am an evil whore of the highest order, because I keep taking the money of stupid lonely men. What should I do baldmonkey, what, what WHAT?!?!?
Love from
Mercenary in Norwich

Money is power and no one wants power in the hands of stupid people. You are doing nothing wrong. Unless you are stupid too, in which case you should use the donate button to the right to send the money to me. I assure you I am more intelligent than you. Unfortunately, if you are stupid you will be too stupid to know you are stupid. But I can help. If two or more of the following statements sound like you, you are stupid:

1. I think vegetarianism should be a legal requirement.
2. I think dolphins are mystical animals.
3. I can think of no other explanation for life on Earth than some sort of benevolent deity.
4. I ask people what their favourite cheese is to appear interesting.
5. I ask people how they pronounce “scone” and then act like it matters.
6. I like cress.
7. I have a lucky toy with a name.
8. I like to stick to the middle lane rather than make difficult motorway decisions.
9. When declining a carrier bag at a checkout I always take care to add “Save the environment and all that”.
10. I like Big Brother.
11. I like Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps.
12. I like The Sun.
13. I have a teardrop tattoo.
14. I believe good parenting starts with good shouting.
15. I am a student.
16. I would describe myself or my close friends as “mad”.
17. I wouldn’t class the Daily Mail as a tabloid.

Dear baldmonkey
My cat’s been run over. She smashed her face and hurt her back leg. She’s being kept in and drugged up to the eyeballs, and tomorrow they will see if her jaw needs wiring up. She was in the laundry basket this morning, but I didn’t find her till after lunch.

Your problem, I gather, is that you have a cat. Drowning a cat in a sack with a brick is dull. I recommend one of the following options:

1. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Insert a bicycle pump up it’s poopy-hole. Begin inflating. It’s like a giblet piñata in the end.
2. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Force feed it one kilogram of baking soda. Then pour in a bottle of malt vinegar. Hold the creature’s jaw firmly shut. It’s like a foamy giblet piñata in the end.
3. Secure the cat by nailing it’s paws to the floor. Jam car headlamp bulb in its eye-sockets then ram it’s tail into an electrical socket for a novelty smouldering cat lamp effect.

My fish is dying slowly, what should I do?

David2569

Next time, smash it full on in the face with a hammer. That should finish him off good and quick. Splat. Goldfish everywhere. Fucking lovely.

Unless it’s a whale. You should probably use a sledgehammer on a whale. That’d be great. Or a dolphin. In fact, no, I’d tip a pot of hot chili powder into a dolphin’s blow hole and, while he was stunned, I’d saw his stupid fucking nose off.