dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey,
I run several LANs with me as the administrator and the students and staff as restricted users. All machines are running either Windows 2000 or XP.
As part of the students’ I.T courses they need to demonstrate being able to change the system time, however restricted users cannot do this - only administrators. I’ve tried tweaking every setting in Active Directory but to no avail.
Is there away of allowing restricted users to do this, as I don’t want the students to have admin rights?
Mark

I used to like that Turtle game. That was good. It was like etch-a-sketch. But etch-a-sketch is shit because it doesn’t use a computer. I tell you what is good; Lego. Some people moan about how the pieces are all too specialised these days. They prefer the old days when there were only a few different bricks and you had to work with those. Not me. I fucking love Lego. The more different bricks they have, the better. I especially like Star Wars Lego.
If we examine your problem more closely, you want some students to do something without the risk of them being pricks. Students are pricks. Whiny, know-it-all pricks who know nothing. They are easy to mug though and are often stupid enough to carry lots of cash and iPods.
The chances are none of them will need to change time in real life. I wouldn’t worry about it. Tell them to just do it in Notepad.

Dear baldmonkey,
I feel like the anti-Mida at the moment. Everything I touch, do, or person I talk to ends up being in a much worse situation than it was before (the relationship turns sour in the case of talking to people.) All my friends are distancing themselves from me, most of my (at least important) possessions are falling apart, my car is falling apart, I want to move out but can’t afford to, etc. My Job is insecure, and I think I’m on the chopping board. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m barely sleeping, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and my tolerance for even the smallest things is almost non existent. Today I nearly caused a fight on the train just because someone bumped into me.
What do you recommend I do?
sent anonymously

Depression can often be brought about by stress and lead to these feelings of not being able to cope that you describe. Other effects are disrupted sleep, high anxiety and an increasing sense of paranoia. It’s common and, if you talk to your doctor, easily treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and the right medication. You’ll find too, that if you describe how you are feeling to the people closest to you, at least one of them will have had a similar experience. You are not as alone as you feel. However, you should keep in mind that the doctors want to control your thoughts with pills and your friends are all lying to you. You are almost certainly part of an evil experiment. The chances are, I’m in on it too. If you ask me, they are putting narcotics in the air supply. If you look carefully you can see them being released from church towers. Take only short rapid breaths to minimise their effect. Then go to church with a samurai sword claiming God sent you and remove the evil priestly ring-leader.
Oh, I should also point out that they are using money to control you. Get rid of it quick by using the donate button on the right there.

dear baldmonkey
I’m hungry and it’s got to be take-away night.
I want a huge kebab, but nowhere here does decent ones
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Druid

Well, you could try making your own. I just shot a starling with my air rifle, but I have to say this has done nothing for my esteem.

Dear baldmonkey,
As a famous television nature reporter I am seen by the public as a kind and caring animal lover. The truth is, I hate the little furry cunts. Often when I go home I spend the evening stamping on weasels and emptying kettles of boiling water into nests of baby blue tits for a laugh.
I once squashed a guinea pig with a shovel because someone dared me to. It was a right laugh. I fucking hate animals a LOT.
Regards,
Bill Oddie

Bill,
I fail to see the problem. Unless you are running out of original ways to kill animals. Try tethering a pigeon to the ground then clapping a lot. With any luck it will be so scared it will fly away really fast and rip itself in half.
Sometimes monkeys rape frogs in the mouth, but that isn’t really relevant.

Dear baldmonkey
Ever since facebook came around, break-ups have become even more of a nightmare. We split almost a year ago now, and I can go most days without thinking about her, I’d be completely healthy and recovered except it’s still like a punch in the nuts when I go on facebook and the status bar reads ‘**** has the best boyfriend EVER’. Obviously I can’t bring this up with her because it’s been a year and I’ll seem insane, and I can’t just block her because she’s too important to me and I don’t want to lose touch. What’s a boy to do?
Yours,
jabboy

Man the fuck up.
You’re at a crossroads in your life. You can either continue being a stalker-nerdy-needy-arse or you can bury yourself in World Of Warcraft, pizza and My Chemical Romance. You fucking freak. No wonder she dumped you.
I hope this helps.

Dear baldmonkey,
A forum I frequent appears to be down, and I am afraid that I cannot live without it. Is it because my computer is shit, or did someone type “Google” into Google? Please answer me as soon as possible before I am forced to talk to actual real people who actually really exist.
Thanky,
heckzecutive, teh internets

Good grief, I hate you “people”. With your “teh” and your “LOL”. I expect everyone on the site hates you too and has IPed your server domain with hacks. Try switching your computer off and on again. In the bath.

You don’t have a girlfriend; you are a prick. Unless you mean your hand is your girlfriend and you want to wank with two hands in which case what you really want to know is how you can enlarge your penis so you can get both hands on it at once. Well I’ve covered that before, you prick. Or you could try wanking with just the forefinger and thumb of each hand.

I see what you’ve done there. Very good. You’ve described a fear of coming out as homosexual to your family but you’ve swapped homosexuality for eating cheese. Well done.
Seriously, though, many people do have a fear of being themselves around their families in case they disapprove. And rightly so. Why should your parents accept you for what you are, when you lead such a revolting life? If the things you do are too shameful to be told to your parents, perhaps you shouldn’t do them. And if you can’t stop yourself, don’t carry on in secret; kill yourself, like a real man.

Dear baldmonkey,
I’ve got some sort of insect bite on my stomach
What home remedies do you suggest, or do you have any favourite remedies that involve no actual medicine?
Harry

The thing that hurts with insect bites is the teeth that get left in your flesh. You can’t see them because insect teeth are very very very small, but trust me, they are there. They burrow into your skin and keep going. If they hit bone they fuse with it and start to grow and you end up looking like the elephant man. Fortunately, most of the time, they pass straight through causing little hemorrhages in your internal organs.
To get rid of the sting, you have to get rid of the teeth. Rub yourself in sugar; this will rot the teeth away and the stinging will stop. In some cases the teeth are too set in and the sugar doesn’t work, the best thing to do in this case is hang around some wasps. They like teeth covered in sugar and will come and remove them for you before doing a little thank you flying dance.

Dear baldmonkey,
I’ve just got a new girlfriend who has just laughed at my cock. We’ve been going out together now for a few days and last night she agreed to having full CUTM sex (cock up the mimsy). We had just got back from a lovely night out. Up to the point of getting undressed we had enjoyed a lavish night out. I took her to meet my friends at the workingman’s club, had a few games of darts and pool, (she’s not very good at either btw) All my friends were quite impressed with her norks (38 D) and all had a turn on them. At first she objected, but that’s women for you. I gave her a small slap, which women respect and quite enjoy as I am led to believe and she stopped complaining for a while. Big Dave the landlord was particularly impressed with her funbags and had quite a long go on them. He even fished one out for a close up inspection, which she passed with flying colours, so what all the fuss was about in the first place beats me.
On the way home I treated her to a small doner kebab and a Panda Pop and warmly and lovingly walked the three miles home in the rain with my hand cupping her chuff like feeding a pony. We got in and I made her a nice cup of tea. FFS baldmonkey, I even used a NEW teabag. Eventually I declared my need for a shit and on my return I asked if we could have sexy tiems, to which she agreed, at least I think she agreed. She still had the wadding in her mouth to stem the flow of blood from the slap she had to be given earlier, so I can’t absolutely guarantee she agreed, but her head moved so I took it as read. I told her to strip off and lay on the bed with her legs open and to brace herself, as I fancied going in dry. This she did and a couple of minutes later I spluffed in her hair. How was I supposed to know she had spent a fortune at the hairdressers that afternoon? I had done everything a man is supposed to. I even closed the bog door to stop the smell of my shit wafting into the bedroom. I’d even turn the sheets over to the clean side and spayed some Mr Muscle around the room as I confess to it being a little fusty in there. You know how it is, the washing machine broke down two years ago and I haven’t got round to sorting out the washing yet. As I stood up to put my overalls back on, she looked down at my cock and laughed. What a fucking cheek! I’ll have it known I have a mighty fine cock with a lovely bulbous plum end, which when tickled can expand to over four inches long FFS!
I had to go and fetch some more wadding as I think I must have opened up her gob wound again. I’d just about had enough of her rude behavior by now, so I kicked her firmly in the cunt, and threw her out onto the street, but not before she agreed after a few more slaps to do the washing up which only took her an hour, the lazy bitch. She called me this morning to say she had left behind her watch and knickers. I’ll e-bay the watch but I just wanted to give you first refusal on the knickers. Women huh!? I’m taking her fat sister out tonight. Please can you give some advice on how to impress her? Or do you think I’m doing OK on my own?

I can’t be bothered to read all that. It’s probably all a load of lies about genitals and sex. You want problems? I’ll give you problems; I’m trying to get a high quality internet problem page off the ground and all I get are shit letters about genitals and sex. I need genuine human misery if I’m going to make a career out of this, but all I get is this bollocks.
The answer to your problem is probably rub some cream on it or Plymouth.