dear baldmonkey

Dear baldmonkey
Cunts in the supermarket have no spatial awareness. Am I allowed to knock the cunts over with my trolley if they suddenly stop in front of me?
Yours,
Amorous Badger

The problem with supermarkets is the free-for-all nature. An aisle-way code is well overdue. Until the day it is invented, calm yourself down with the following activities:

1. Pen In The Old Person.
The aim of this game is to use your trolley to pen in an old person until they become visibly distressed. The easiest way to do this is by using other customers. Try to force the old person behind another trolley which is close to the shelves, then close their sideways exit route with your trolley and their rear exit route with yourself. Given a long enough penning many different reactions can be extracted from different old people, from rage right through to sobbing.

2. Scare The Child.
The aim of this game is to make a child sat in a trolley cry. There are no set rules on how this may be accomplished, so use your imagination. To get you started, try:

• Slapping the child as you walk past them.
• Sucking up the blood from the bottom of a packet of meat and spurting it out at the child.
• Telling them their parents have just died if they disappear from view for long enough.

I’d be overjoyed to hear any other suggestions readers might have.

3. Meander.
The aim of this game is to take as long as possible to get to the end an aisle without letting any other customers past you. Scoring is based on the number of people backed up behind you, the level of angry noises they create and the length of time it takes you to get from one end to the other. Creativity points may be awarded if you manage an original method of meandering, but most players use the same tactics; holding the trolley sideways at arms length and stopping to chat with a fat person.

4. Extreme Checkout Annoying.
The aim of this game is to not put the “Next customer, please.” bars down yourself. This is a battle of will-power with the customers before you and after you. If you manage to get both the customer before AND after you to put the bars down for you, you win. If you manage to get just one of them to do it, it is a draw. If you put both of them down, you lose and are a failure and are obliged to leave the supermarket without purchasing the shopping you have just unloaded.

Let the advising recommence!

Dear baldmonkey,
I run several LANs with me as the administrator and the students and staff as restricted users. All machines are running either Windows 2000 or XP.
As part of the students’ I.T courses they need to demonstrate being able to change the system time, however restricted users cannot do this - only administrators. I’ve tried tweaking every setting in Active Directory but to no avail.
Is there away of allowing restricted users to do this, as I don’t want the students to have admin rights?
Mark

I used to like that Turtle game. That was good. It was like etch-a-sketch. But etch-a-sketch is shit because it doesn’t use a computer. I tell you what is good; Lego. Some people moan about how the pieces are all too specialised these days. They prefer the old days when there were only a few different bricks and you had to work with those. Not me. I fucking love Lego. The more different bricks they have, the better. I especially like Star Wars Lego.
If we examine your problem more closely, you want some students to do something without the risk of them being pricks. Students are pricks. Whiny, know-it-all pricks who know nothing. They are easy to mug though and are often stupid enough to carry lots of cash and iPods.
The chances are none of them will need to change time in real life. I wouldn’t worry about it. Tell them to just do it in Notepad.

Dear baldmonkey,
I feel like the anti-Mida at the moment. Everything I touch, do, or person I talk to ends up being in a much worse situation than it was before (the relationship turns sour in the case of talking to people.) All my friends are distancing themselves from me, most of my (at least important) possessions are falling apart, my car is falling apart, I want to move out but can’t afford to, etc. My Job is insecure, and I think I’m on the chopping board. I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit of an emotional wreck, and I don’t really have anyone to turn to. I’m barely sleeping, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, and my tolerance for even the smallest things is almost non existent. Today I nearly caused a fight on the train just because someone bumped into me.
What do you recommend I do?
sent anonymously

Depression can often be brought about by stress and lead to these feelings of not being able to cope that you describe. Other effects are disrupted sleep, high anxiety and an increasing sense of paranoia. It’s common and, if you talk to your doctor, easily treated with a combination of cognitive behaviour therapy and the right medication. You’ll find too, that if you describe how you are feeling to the people closest to you, at least one of them will have had a similar experience. You are not as alone as you feel. However, you should keep in mind that the doctors want to control your thoughts with pills and your friends are all lying to you. You are almost certainly part of an evil experiment. The chances are, I’m in on it too. If you ask me, they are putting narcotics in the air supply. If you look carefully you can see them being released from church towers. Take only short rapid breaths to minimise their effect. Then go to church with a samurai sword claiming God sent you and remove the evil priestly ring-leader.
Oh, I should also point out that they are using money to control you. Get rid of it quick by using the donate button on the right there.

dear baldmonkey
I’m hungry and it’s got to be take-away night.
I want a huge kebab, but nowhere here does decent ones
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Druid

Well, you could try making your own. I just shot a starling with my air rifle, but I have to say this has done nothing for my esteem.

Dear baldmonkey,
As a famous television nature reporter I am seen by the public as a kind and caring animal lover. The truth is, I hate the little furry cunts. Often when I go home I spend the evening stamping on weasels and emptying kettles of boiling water into nests of baby blue tits for a laugh.
I once squashed a guinea pig with a shovel because someone dared me to. It was a right laugh. I fucking hate animals a LOT.
Regards,
Bill Oddie

Bill,
I fail to see the problem. Unless you are running out of original ways to kill animals. Try tethering a pigeon to the ground then clapping a lot. With any luck it will be so scared it will fly away really fast and rip itself in half.
Sometimes monkeys rape frogs in the mouth, but that isn’t really relevant.

Dear baldmonkey
Ever since facebook came around, break-ups have become even more of a nightmare. We split almost a year ago now, and I can go most days without thinking about her, I’d be completely healthy and recovered except it’s still like a punch in the nuts when I go on facebook and the status bar reads ‘**** has the best boyfriend EVER’. Obviously I can’t bring this up with her because it’s been a year and I’ll seem insane, and I can’t just block her because she’s too important to me and I don’t want to lose touch. What’s a boy to do?
Yours,
jabboy

Man the fuck up.
You’re at a crossroads in your life. You can either continue being a stalker-nerdy-needy-arse or you can bury yourself in World Of Warcraft, pizza and My Chemical Romance. You fucking freak. No wonder she dumped you.
I hope this helps.

Dear baldmonkey,
A forum I frequent appears to be down, and I am afraid that I cannot live without it. Is it because my computer is shit, or did someone type “Google” into Google? Please answer me as soon as possible before I am forced to talk to actual real people who actually really exist.
Thanky,
heckzecutive, teh internets

Good grief, I hate you “people”. With your “teh” and your “LOL”. I expect everyone on the site hates you too and has IPed your server domain with hacks. Try switching your computer off and on again. In the bath.

You don’t have a girlfriend; you are a prick. Unless you mean your hand is your girlfriend and you want to wank with two hands in which case what you really want to know is how you can enlarge your penis so you can get both hands on it at once. Well I’ve covered that before, you prick. Or you could try wanking with just the forefinger and thumb of each hand.

I see what you’ve done there. Very good. You’ve described a fear of coming out as homosexual to your family but you’ve swapped homosexuality for eating cheese. Well done.
Seriously, though, many people do have a fear of being themselves around their families in case they disapprove. And rightly so. Why should your parents accept you for what you are, when you lead such a revolting life? If the things you do are too shameful to be told to your parents, perhaps you shouldn’t do them. And if you can’t stop yourself, don’t carry on in secret; kill yourself, like a real man.